You Set My Mind At Ease
by Brown Eyes Parker
Summary: The fourth installment in "We Choose Each Other" and "Of All the Places" series. Josh's thoughts and feelings in between the events that lead to Alana. Rated T. Joshaya.


**You Set My Mind At Ease**

 **A Josh & Maya Story**

 **By Brown Eyes Parker**

 **Disclaimer: I own** _ **nothing**_ **.**

 **Rated: T**

 **Notes: The title of this story comes from the Guns N' Roses Song, "Patience".**

 **.**

Maya sneaks in his bedroom when everyone is finally asleep, tired from the day's events. He is staring at the glow- in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, there are a few leftovers from his childhood and they wink down at him like a dim constellation in the night sky.

"Josh?" She whispers.

He flicks on the light by his bed, his eyes are red and his face is blotchy. He swipes at his cheeks with the back of his hand. "Maya," he whispers back.

"I was worried about you. . ." Maya trails off, wondering if she's said the wrong thing, everyone else will be saying similar sentiments to him, each one meaning it less than the person before them.

She means it but he doesn't know that.

"I'm okay," Josh tells her.

He knows Maya doesn't believe him and she's by his side in two seconds, he wants her. Not in a sexual way though, he just wants her next to him. She's comfortable and familiar and he knows she loves him and he needs love.

"I'm here Josh," she says.

"Stay," he requests.

She crawls into bed beside him and rests her head on his shoulder. He puts his hand on the left side of her chest and searches for her heartbeat. It pulses against his fingertips and he breathes out.

"I'm okay," she tells him. "I'm here."

 **.**

They are back at school and he's drowning in sympathy and classmates who mean well and assignments. The grief is still too much to handle. It's like a wave at the ocean. He struggles and struggles against it. But it takes him over and fills his mouth and lungs with salt water.

His roommate's best friend offers him relief in a plastic baggy. He has a pill for everything. In candy colored hues he tells Josh they can dull the pain, help him sleep, make him forget.

A pretty friend in a Nantucket sweatshirt and sleepy eyes offers to share her stash of Vodka. It helps her cope with her parents and their expectations, with her long line of trust fund suitors and the fact that she only ever makes B's when her father was an A student.

He thanks them and refuses.

At night, he steals away to Maya's dorm and finds all the comfort he needs in her arms. He doesn't need a chemical reaction to find numbness.

 **.**

He makes a trip up to the Upper East Side on Thanksgiving. For once the Hunters have forgone a Matthews's holiday and spent it with Shawn's half-brother, Jack.

"Don't you have your own family Matthews?" Jack half-teases as he lets him in.

Josh musters a plastic smile. There is no Thanksgiving celebration, nobody feels like giving thanks.

"I told him to come," Maya says, coming out from the living room dressed for dinner in the Upper East Side, complete with tights and too high heels.

Jack eyes his niece warily and then disappears, leaving them alone. He's barely out of the lobby when Josh falls into Maya's arms and holds onto her like his life depends on it. She smells like pumpkin spice and marshmallows and expensive alcohol.

She pulls away and frames his face with her hands, kisses him with cranberry sauce lips and a pecan pie tongue. His world centers again.

"What am I doing here?" He asks himself more than her because this isn't how they do things. He only goes to her when they can do it and they most certainly can't tonight. Not in Jack's expansive apartment where Maya is only a guest for a few hours.

Even though they are both at an age of consent, it would be mortifying if they are caught. Josh doesn't know how to explain he doesn't love her, that there's nothing serious going on between the two of them.

But tonight, he doesn't really want to have sex. He just wants Maya to hold him, maybe until its morning. Maybe he can pretend everything's okay and that they are a couple planning their Black Friday shopping trip and if they'll go to Dunkin Donuts or the new place that uses their faces in their latte art.

Maya kisses him again, distracts him from his traitorous thoughts.

He's thankful, he realizes, for her. But he'll never say it aloud.

 **.**

They both attend the same Christmas party. They drink too many Peppermint White Kisses even though it tastes like toothpaste and afterwards, Maya goes back to _his_ dorm with him. He laughs as he tries to tug down the zipper on her red dress, his fingers clumsy with cheap champagne.

Maya helps him and it falls to her feet, a pool of velvet. He leans in and kisses her, she pulls him closer and together they fall onto his bed. It doesn't go any further than kissing. They are both bone-tired from exams, dizzy from too much booze.

They accidentally fall asleep. It is an unspoken rule to leave before morning comes. Even on the rare occasion they don't have sex, Josh always crept home before it got too light. If they stay 'til morning it implies there is something more between them than there really is.

They wake up the next morning tangled in flannel sheets and hung over. Josh wonders if Maya feels as bad as she looks, if his pounding head is anything to go by he is sure she does.

"I'm just going to go," Maya says as she struggles to get out of bed, pushes her snarled hair away from her face, pulls on her dress and her shoes. She avoids looking at him as she buttons her coat up and pulls her navy blue beret on her head. "See you later Josh."

"Do I need to remind you we have socks for a reason?" His roommate, Bill asks.

"You didn't see anything," Josh answers, pushing his blankets off and rummaging through his stuff for Advil, he dry swallows three and caps the bottle.

"I could have though."

Josh is not in the mood for his teasing. "Nothing happened. All we did was fall asleep."

"Is she your girl?"

"My girl?" Josh repeats. "What? Are we in some old movie? Are you Cary Grant?"

"Is she your girlfriend?" Bill amends.

"No."

Bill frowns. "Come on, she's something special. You aren't like the other guys. You don't sleep around or get drunk usually. You don't even brag about your conquests. She's gotta be something special. She sure looks it anyways."

"She's just the girl I'm sleeping with," Josh says, pulling his tie off and throwing it aside, running his fingers through his hair. His headache is starting to ebb but it just feels like it's getting worse.

"She's just the girl you're sleeping with?" Bill repeats.

"I've known her forever," Josh adds.

"She's just the girl you're sleeping with and you've known her forever?" Bill frowns.

"You've had your share of one-night stands!"

"But this girl is so obviously more than a one-night stand," Bill answers. "Christmas is coming. You've gotta do something for her, Josh."

"And what do you get for a girl you're just having sex with?" Josh asks.

"A commitment," Bill replies.

Josh shakes his head and winces. "No. _That_ won't work," he says.

Bill looks at him curiously. "You don't seem like the kind of guy to shy away from commitment, roomie."

"It's complicated," Josh tells him.

Bill rolls his eyes. "I'm going to study for my last final. Get some more sleep and take a shower, you look like hell."

 **.**

Josh and Maya avoid each other until being in the same room is inevitable. They are all gathered for Christmas.

"Why are things so awkward between us?" Maya asks. "We've done a lot more than just sleep in the same bed."

Josh looks around the room to make sure nobody's around. "Spending the night together makes it into something more than it is."

"We should just keep things the way they've always been," Maya says. "It's easier that way, right?"

"Right," Josh agrees.

He lies to himself when a little voice in his head says _it's_ a lie. This stringless relationship between them is probably one of the most complicated things he's ever done in his life.

It's easier to lie to himself when they're in the dark, all is quiet, all is bright except for his soul. Maya may be with him but on this first Christmas without his father, everything is in pieces.

Christmas morning, he gives her an expensive sweater. Something she would never buy for herself because she has a budget as an art student but it's not intimate enough to give them away. She gives him a scrapbook of everybody's last summer with Alan. It's more personal than the sweater, but nobody is suspicious.

It's a thoughtful gift, they all say, she must know how much he misses his father. Everybody knows Maya is the only one who can really get through to him these days, they just don't know why.

 **.**

They spent New Year's Eve together.

Josh made a silent resolution to stop sleeping with Maya because it isn't going to go anywhere and she deserves to be in a relationship that's going somewhere.

 **.**

But something always brings him back to her.

(He'll never admit it's love.)

And she always welcomes him with open arms

 **The End**

 **.**

 **Author's Note:**

 **This idea took a hold of me and wouldn't let me go until I wrote it. It's to sort of fill in the gaps of what happened in "We Choose Each Other" and "Of All the Places I Have Been, the Best by Far is You". I hope you'll drop me a review and tell me what you thought. I'll be back with an update of the "Convenient Boyfriend" this weekend! Peppermint White Kisses are a real thing, I looked them up on Pinterest. I have never tried them though, so maybe I don't know if it tastes like toothpaste for real or not. I cannot imagine that they'd be good though.**

 **A little side note, June 25th marked my one year anniversary a Girl Meets World writer, more specifically a** _ **Joshaya**_ **writer. It's been a wild ride so far. Here's to at least one more year writing for you excellent people.**

 **Until Next Time!**

 **Lots of Love,**

 **Holly, 7/6/2016**


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